Wonder

Some days I wonder why? Why is this a thing today? The pop-ups of random tidbits of information that may be meaningless to you but may mean something to someone else. Or maybe they mean nothing to them but something to you. Maybe it’s a sign, with no real explanation in its confusing meaning but maybe, just maybe, it was meant for you for some reason, to see or hear in that moment. Will it clarify something for you, or will it create more questions? And! If you get more questions will they be answered in a calm and honest way? Do you dare even ask them? Or does it make you sink into yourself to answer them yourself. What a ride that always is. Shoveling through all the feelings and dispositions of your mind, determining which are real and which are put there by others. Can you clear away the cobwebs of all the things that hold you together to see the real truths that bind you? Can you set them on fire and free yourself from the bullshit of it all? Or will you make more cobwebs with the random tidbits that will never stop until you are where the signs point you?

Miracle

Merry Christmas! Ho Ho Ho is what I’m going to have to be after this one. Every year I’m just, why? Why do I have to spend all my money for one day when I give myself away all year. To end the year broke, broken and destitute after giving the final pieces of me left. Surely this wasn’t Jesus’ plan of his glorious day, who has 2 birthday, both of which we have to spend a bunch of money on. So why? Why do I give up all I am and have for others? Is it so we are to know how Jesus felt? No one’s going to make an entire religion out of my story. No one even sees me. Does this one day make all the difference in their lives? Am I going to be seen and loved now by abiding and doing so? I have broken myself into cynical mishaps on my mind, convincing myself that it’s for the good of others and their happiness, cult mind shit is what it is, and that I’ll be rewarded for my gracious sacrifice. Is today the day that happens?

Oh, how that makes me smile and giggle in a devilish tone that grows horns. I’m a giver. It’s my downfall. My vice if you will, other than my wine and smokes, and my mind that moves in movie scenes, mostly always proving to be right. Characters always stay true to form, after all. I’m ready for my Christmas miracle, I’ve already picked it out. I’m to give selflessly but am feeling selfish. Why can’t it be my turn this year? Why is it that its my cat attacking my heels, making me dance in my step, that reminds me what love is? That innocent smile that belongs to the moment. Why can’t I keep it forever?

Merry Christmas. To you. For more than a moment. With you. For you. I wish. Be my miracle.

Now

Forever ago. Yesterday. Now. I washed it all away. My soul cracked in my tears, and there you were. I am alive. Loved. I can breathe. Forever ago. Yesterday. Now. You are love.

Mine

Why can I help everyone else so easily, but never myself? I know someone for everyone, but never for me. Six degrees of separation. It’s so weird how that always seems to work out. I’m pretty sure I have one too, but I don’t even wanna know the payment involved with that so it doesn’t exist. It does make me wonder though. Knowing and meeting all these glorious people, making the connections. Will one come just for me? Why can’t I have mine, or did I miss it focusing on everyone else?

Beautiful

My beautiful, you’re so beautiful. There no words for you. I will give it all for you. My kindred, soulmate, you. I’ve done it all for you, and me too. I love to watch you move in your inspiring ways. You’re so fucking beautiful it hurts. My lovely. My dream. You. Set me free.

Sorry

What ever happened to a good fist fight? Why must we all go to an easy way out, gun? What happened to integrity? Being brave? Standing the fuck up. Defending yourself in an honorable way. You wanna fight? Let’s GO! I got your number. I can put you to shame with my words. Kill you? That’s way too easy. Oh, no. That’s a whole other level of dissatisfaction to me. I’m an eye for an eye girl. I’ll fight for mine. Sorry you lost yours before we even started. I’m not sorry at all for you.

Muse

As I once was, I am again. Feeling it. The groove with the universe, so safe and so far beyond it all. Nothing else really matters except that feeling. I am the light. I am exceptional, to such a fault that makes you keep coming back. I am excellent in the world that once forgot who I am. What happens next? I wish I knew, but with you, it’s endless everything. I am free because of you. My muse.

Write

When no one hears you, how else can you be heard? Lost in a sea of nice and attitude as the truth fire swirls underneath. It’s always the cute sweet ones that surprise you. Full of fucks and realism, never saying anyone’s wrong, going with the flow. No story or feeling is ever wrong, as much as ‘they’ hate that idea. It gives me life. Feed me as I write.

Bad Guy

Why is it that others can say, be, or do something to you, but it’s appalling when it’s done back to them? When you flip the switch and play the game. Become them. It’s okay for you to tell me, my son with your finger in his face, that the world is better off without us, but when I say it back to you it’s offensive? It means something then, doesn’t it? It’s threatening. Paranoia is the reason that envelopes you to make it easier to murder. Is that the way it works? Your life is more worthy than mine? Ours? BOGO deal? You’re so smart … You disgust me.

Were you made king of it all as was twirling around in your chaos? I would say sleeping but I don’t do that. Safety isn’t a feeling with you in the world. Your prisoner, stalker, creeper, selfish, terror, entitled as fuck comes to mind. Is that why your head’s so heavy, Mr Man? Making me Mmmmmm. Writing and fantasizing about it all. I am the bad guy, after all. I am as you made me.

Issue

There’s a major issue I’ve been having. Well, so many that I don’t even know how I’m still here sometimes, but writing gets me through. I will go in this way and write my way out… I started this wanting to be autonomous but now I’m not so sure. What if people try and steal my words? It’s like stealing ME. As they all keep trying to do every damn day. My dreams, visions, ideas, truths, skills, knowledge, struggles – it’s all a competition. My reputation that isn’t much, my soul, my being, my GOOD. They’ve done a really good job at it, too. Good enough for me to choose to hide behind this site.

My name is Arielle. My loves told me that I have something to say. They inspire me, accept me, encourage me, hear and see me, so here I am. It took me a minute to be brave. It’s really nice to meet you.

That’s how you do that…

It’s amazing how quickly meanings of things can change, as some of my previous posts have, like, in an instant. New, deep, blindsided betrayal when you haven’t quite gotten over the last is…exquisite.

Words are what they are and actions speak louder than a nuke siren. They both have potential to end you.

You’ll find me in a corner somewhere pondering what I’m going to do with you. I am as you made me, being the thing you’ve created in your mind. Maybe if you shut the fuck up every now and then you’d know. It’s more fun for me that you don’t.

Get off your high horse. Get out of the thoughts that consume you, of why you think you’re so special, better, or more powerful than me. I guess that all means that I actually am.

Try and take me down. Use what I say against me, but you don’t know me very well, for I am an artist of words, and vengeance is best served smooth and savory.

If you’re wondering if you should run now, yea, you probably should.

Turns out it’s not all rainbows and kittens, and you just turned my vision of you from beauty to black.

I giggle and smile, that final smile to you. Two can play and I am the prism. How will you fare? Why did you need to find out? I don’t know, but I see you. Let’s GO!

Done

Words are what they are. I try so hard to make them mean something. Actions should match, and they always do. You’ll find me in the corner somewhere, hiding and shielding it all. Building upon your false words and being. Empowering myself, talking me up. Laughing hysterically as if it even matters. Why? It’s all done now.

Mountains

I giggle and smile with desire as I silently look up, expecting you to be sitting there. My heart sinks into the cavern of mistakes that grew like mountains burying us. I hear your voice, penetrating. I see your eyes reaching into me. Blinded by fairy tales. Freed by knowing. I will climb and move them all.

Your Silent Killer

I am as you made me. You’d have nothing less, and I’ll never understand why you think I don’t mean what I say. If I was to stay than I would have to be, you. The silent would fall off.

Fool

I didn’t work my ass off to be judged by the unworthy. You speak a good game with no follow through. Promising love and forever in a broken state. Meaningless are your words, yet the fool is still better than I. Happy, inspirational and free. Invalidating your truths, uncaring is he. Me? I’m a fast learner.

Asshole

Why do you think that you can be such an incredible asshole and it’s okay? We’re all just to accept it and bow at your feet in fear? Why do you think you’re scarier than me? More powerful, better, or special? You demand, command, respect with your sheepish roar. Showing your every weakness, I see you. Reaping the rewards from us all, starving us from our basic need to exist, you are torment. Pounding your chest into unnecessary chaos, turning love into hate. Breeding self despair and disgust with your lies and betrayal. Silencing the strong, diminishing the bold, and destroying the good. All while you call yourself the great one. Drooling with desire and seething in ignorance, stupid you. There’s a calm in the silence and it looks different from the floor that you put me on. Observing your every move, the glint of terror in your eye, as you look down upon my smile. Two can play.

Here

I stopped talking. Wishing to scribble outside the lines so bad, with fierce bold dark purple streaks, but fear the scolding of doing so. That’s not uniform, it’s not following the plan of the path to … where are we going again?

I’ve started reading. I don’t read, yet am a sponge soaking it all in. Everything I am at my core, that I lost and left and forgot. Nowhere to go but back inside of me.

I witnessed a tree get hit by lightning behind me one random amazing day and stayed outside anyway. A little sunfish chased off all the other fish that got near me as I sat in the sandbar of his island. He was scary awesome and made me laugh from my core. I got a soulful book in the mail in a time and place I wasn’t supposed to be, like god hand delivered it. A blood red moon set. The moon went up and it went back down, back to bed with a flash behind the hills. “Not today!” it said and was the strangest and most magical thing I’ve ever seen. Stillness became furious in an instant on the water, like ocean swells of a hurricane. Wishing on shooting stars. Some were seek and find while others lit up the sky. Eagle flying over my head, coming back again and screeching after I said Hi. For life to always be like this. Safe, random, sporadically exciting, happy, peaceful, filling and contently simple in all is chaos and heart tugs. Freeing.

I have so much to say but nothing to say out loud anymore. I’ve missed me, says it all, as it was given back so easily in a place full of letting it all go, connecting. A place that no one can take from me. Here. Me. Home.

You

Where did you go? You magnificent thing. I saw you cross the road today. You were smiling as you moved oblivious across the world. I bit my fingernail with a precarious smile as I watched you walk. I wanted to touch it, feel it, be it. You, you marvelous thing. What should be simple is beyond complicated. Not with you, but especially with you. Music notes and hearts flutter out of the flowers that grow behind your footsteps. Insecure and fascinated, my soul jumps to you. I need you. See me. Walk my way. Take me with you, you magical thing.

Ice Cream

Vengeance is best served like gourmet ice cream. Smooth and savory, cold and brain piercing. Submerged in the warm blood of the guilty and dipped in the sprinkles of their tears.

Blow

That moment you know, if the wind would just blow. Dragons flying through the air, freeing your sleepy self despair. I knew you’d come, the lump of my sums. Trading beauty for black, your trickery is still intact. Blinded by the eclipse, a lightning fast kiss. As the moon rises and sets, take my regrets. I can’t glow if the sun says no.

Silence

I silence you again, my love. Not because I want to but because I have to. I can’t have you just showing up when I’m trying so hard to pretend. Making myself small and invisible when the truth is … I raise my arms with an enraged force to the sky. Hellfire envelops me, blue hues surround and protect me from the deep burning, as my hair flairs like Medusa. Shhhh, it’s your turn to listen now, but you won’t, but you did, didn’t you? But you never did, at all. I only go two ways and you chose what you wanted from me. There’s no going back now. Simple black and white, angry all over. Angel or demon, the coin has been tossed, how did you fare? I kick leaves off my feet as I walk with a grin, just for you.

Spiders

My soul is cracked. Turns out it’s not all rainbows and kittens back there. The protective white wall has turned red from the flames that rage. I smile from a different place now…

Spiders only worry about their next meal. They sun in their intricate webs that blow in the wind. Vigilant, secure and fearless. A kind of simple genius we could never be or touch, and somehow find terrifying. Like the glorious intangible patterns in my mind. Why are we scared of that kind of freedom?

Black

I wonder. Do you know what it’s like being a 10 in a 1 world? Broken and unfix-able. The most beautiful sun shiny thing who’s spoken of in ill wishes from those who have done wrong. With a brilliant smile, sealing in their flying monkeys, they speak of the sun. Angels fell to the earth to save mankind and you spoke and acted back. You don’t ever want to be saved. You need someone to blame. Who better than the thing that makes no sense. The angel that chose and accepted you, with love. As easily as it’s given, it’s taken back.

Beauty is beautiful. Black to you.

Breathe

Why is there no safe place? Why is there nowhere to run? By this time all the resources have been eaten, all the roads have been traveled, and all the ideas have failed. All but you.

Why must I sit in the torture of knowing this? Breathing in all the colors, damn, as I drown in the sludge. Why can’t I breathe without you? Why can I feel you filling me in every breath I take? Looking to the sky and smiling as I sink. Why are you just an idea? Why do I think it’s better and okay that way?

Dissatisfaction, disappointment, despair? Dysfunction, disassociation, desperate? For you, I am. I want to breathe you, in and out. Please, just let me breathe.